​An Australian Creative Director and Strategist fumbles through life in America. Live from New York.

An Australian Creative Director and Strategist fumbles through life New York City.

Filtering by Tag: lesson

Global Dickbaggery.

Since arriving, I have strived to at all times be considerate of the differences in this culture: I have attempted not to judge the habits and social nuances of the Chinese people against my own Australian/Western habits and nuances.

My immersive experience in the Chinese/Beijing culture has been enlightening, and it has led me to my first true insight since arriving here: a dickhole is a dickhole in any culture.

To make sure you maintain a solid global reputation, here is a run down of international dickhole moves:

  • Smashing into people on bikes with your car and driving off: Dickhole
  • Spitting* in an elevator full of people in a modern, nice office building, or into the aisle on a plane to Shanghai: Dickhole
  • Turning your head to cough (unprotected) into someones open mouth: Dickhole
  • Stealing taxis at the airport when I’ve ALREADY GOT MY LUGGAGE IN THE BOOT: Dickhole (also, this led to me punching my first Chinese man)
  • Not holding the door open for someone who is juggling a bike, groceries and a backpack (or even barging through as you are trying to move through the same space): MASSIVE DICKHOLE

*Caveat: I have adapted to the very Chinese habit of spitting: but seriously, in an elevator? FUCK YOU, DICKHOLE.

The Little Things.

So as I mentioned, I’m pretty crook at the moment. Not dying of AIDS sick, but man-flu’d up the wazoonga.

I trekked down to the local chemist today, and as usual, no one spoke English. The incredible Ning helped me translate over the phone that I needed a dry cough syrup. Amazingly, they had Robitussin, a brand I’d heard of. It was completely in Chinese, but a good start. Also got some herbal Chinese tablets.

Got home, and checked it all out online: incredibly, I got the one type of Robitussin I need. INCREDIBLE.

Seriously, you gotta stop and enjoy the little things.

Shanghai - Beijing: How to be fucked by an airline.

So last night I flew back from Shanghai to Beijing. With a heavy, filthy cold.

Arriving at the airport, we discovered that the whole place was in chaos (‘This is normal’, said my coworkers) due to bad weather in Beijing (a complete lie - the weather in BJ was perfect). Our flight was delayed, but luckily we were squeezed onto the earlier flight.

By 7pm, we were meant to board. We boarded at 8:45pm (‘This is normal’, said my coworkers). Then we sat on the tarmac for 2 hours, doing fuck all (‘This is normal’, said my coworkers). Then we took off, finally, at almost 11pm. (‘This is normal’, said my coworkers, their voices slowly beginning to crack).

Throughout this whole ordeal, the airline kept reciting the same line: ‘Due to bad weather in Beijing…”. THIS WAS A COMPLETE LIE. Imagine a company lying directly to your face…at one point, we said ‘We know that the weather is fine in Beijing. Everything is fine!’. We were TOLD WE WERE WRONG. To our face, they called us liars.

Lesson: Do not fly to Beijing from Shanghai after 5pm. It doesn’t work.

Hellbeast. Fucking hellbeast.

I just my first royal dicking in China (in terms of being dicked around…I can see how that could be taken out of context). My shitty landlady has reneged on a verbal agreement 1 day before I move house.

So it turns out that in China, you pay your rent quarterly. When you move in, you pay 3 months rent plus another months rent as a deposit - 4 months rent upfront. I did not know this, and did not have this kind of cash.

I (thought I) struck a deal to pay one months rent, plus one months deposit now (half the amount owed), and then pay the remaining 2 months rent in a month when I get my first full paycheck. I have already paid this amount to her (aka 2 months rent)- and she calls me and says that if I don’t pay the FULL AMOUNT, she’ll keep my deposit and give the apartment to someone else.

Here’s the best part - I challenge her politely, saying it’s unfair and illegal, and asking her for empathy.

She literally says ‘Come and chase me in court then.’ So now i have to live broke for a month so this fuckwit woman can have her money now, instead of in 2 weeks.


The lesson here? If you move to China, figure out roughly how much rent you want to pay, and then bring 4 months worth. And expect a fucktard as a landlord/lady (apparently, this isn’t rare).

Pictured: Beijing Landlord (Artist’s Rendering)