I write to you from one of your limited, crowded, shitty cafes, where I am sucking down a cold beer and anticipating the inevitable delay of my flight. You weren’t to know this, but my life is not going along so well right now, and you have unintentionally exacerbated this situation no end. Let me tell you why.
Anticipating your normally horrific queues, I arrived early to make sure I didn’t miss my flight. However, in keeping with my current state of affairs, I arrived to a completely different and unexpected outcome: an empty ticketing lounge. After breezing through customs, I promptly realised I was 3 hours early for my flight.
A good chance to catch up on work - except what’s this? No Wi-fi? Of course not. Why would I have expected that to work? Instead, I’ll just sit here and listen to the endless droning of a distant alarm; something that no one seems to be alarmed by in the slightest. What purpose does a non-alarming alarm serve, one must ask.
An announcement: oh, due to thunder, flights will probably start being delayed. Let me inform you of something: thunder cannot hurt a plane. It is a sound. Lightening can theoretically hurt a plane, but you appear to be the only airport on Earth that shuts down at the THREAT of a storm, rather than the reality of one. Not the threat of TERRORISM, or MURDEROUS LIVESTOCK (aka actual threats), but the worry that it MIGHT FUCKING RAIN. Are you kidding? Suck a bag of dicks.
Well, that’s all I need to say. I guess I’ll just sit here and have another beer…wait, sorry? What? Oh, you’re out of beer. Fucking PERFECT.
Beijing Airport, thanks for nothing. Like life wasn’t hard enough.
NEXT DAY BOLT ON:
We were meant to board at 6:30pm: we actually boarded at 8:30pm. We should have taken off at 7pm: we finally took off at 12:30pm. We should have landed at 9:30pm: we got in at 3am. I am not the fully functioning retard I usual am today. I am merely retarded.