A catalyst for Change.
It’s very hard to truly look at yourself. Memories of ridiculous behavior play back like a horrible film - you look in from the outside, and see the person you are, or the person you’re becoming. There are catalysts, and reasons, and situations to blame; excuses and escapes. Change is inevitable in a foreign place, filled with foreign experiences. People see you change, as you see them change. But is it the change you want?
This change can happen right in front of you. People you know become people you knew; shadows of the people you remember, things said, moments lost and gone. But they watch you change too: they and you see too much drinking, too much smoking, the emergence of bad behavior where once manners and decency were what defined you. They watch as you start walking through life without direction. You become aggressive. You become melancholic. You put one foot in front of the other, you crash and fall down. You create melodrama to see what happens, you frantically attempt to change things back to the way they were. Why did things change? Why haven’t I got answers? Then it hits you: sometimes, logic isn’t going to solve it. It’s out of your hands: you didn’t get a vote on what happened, but you completely control what will happen next.
You stare into this choice: accept this change, or become consumed with the past. It’s hard: you need to drink just enough whiskey and listen to the right songs in the dark. But when a moment like this comes, you face the choice: continue on a self destructive path (consumed by the past) or become who you want to become, and move forward. And as the film played back in my head, I chose the latter.
You cannot recapture what once was: you can simple embrace what will be. People come and go, and the special ones stay. The special ones light up your life, and drag you out of the darkness inside your own head. These people are rare.
I caught myself last night becoming the wrong person. But at least it was a catalyst for change.