A Shitty Mood...
A few people have expressed some concern about me of late, based on the posts I’ve been throwing up - I appreciate this, and I want to state that I did start this blog to honestly chart how my time up here was, good and bad. And in response to these concerns, I want to be honest, as well as putting people’s minds at ease. I’M FINE. But I’m not great. Here’s what I mean.
Let me say this: I HATE being a downer. I hate feeling down, and I try not to dwell on the negative. And by and large, I’d say I’m good at this: anyone that knows me knows I’m prone to being a bit flat, but that I’m usually in pretty good spirits, and a happy camper. One thing I’ve been guilty of: forgetting to write/ring home about the good stuff as much as I should. I use these channels to help get me through the bad times, which is selfish. I need to write more about the up times, the happy times. But there just aren’t so many of late.
Firstly, I’m crook, which sucks out loud. Secondly, work is quite overwhelming: I’m really grappling with the nature of being creative in China, and trying to get the right balance of my thinking and local thinking. Thirdly, I’m lonely - due to work and some other factors (some my fault, some the fault of others) I don’t have a big network of friends like I did in Sydney.
The first one will be fine: I’ll get better. I’m taking it easy, and I’m almost through my first alcohol/cigarette free day in probably 2 weeks. My cough will subside, and I’ll take it easy until it does.
The second one is challenging, but I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. No way i’m running from this challenge: the opportunity is too great, and I find it interesting, even when I’m frustrated beyond belief. But it is a sharply steep learning curve, which sometimes gets the better of me.
The third one’s a killer: Beijing is a great city, but it is also massive and isolating. People run in cliques, and I am without one, which sucks. I’ve also kind of reached the end of my tether in terms of entertaining myself (get your head out of the gutter) - DVDs and bike rides exploring have lost their appeal, and not having the internet home just makes things that much harder. I am so grateful for the mates I have up here - I just wish I had a few more. And it’s not that easy…not for me, anyway.
So there you are. I’m not crying at home at night, I’m not suicidal, I’m not cutting myself (EMO), I’m just in a kind of shitty place. But I’ll let you know when things pick back up.