​An Australian Creative Director and Strategist fumbles through life in America. Live from New York.

An Australian Creative Director and Strategist fumbles through life New York City.


So I had one of those ‘You fucking idiot’ moments last night. And I ended up near nude in a Chinese Police station as a result.

About 9pm, I returned home from a run, and after showering, felt the urge to trim my beard. Not wanting to get little beard hairs all over my nice clean bathroom, I decided to take advantage of my deck and shave al fresco. MISTAKE.

Once outside (in only undies), I heard the door click shut behind me: about half a second later my brain concluded I was locked out.

In Shanghai. With no phone, and no memorized phone numbers. No language skills. And no clothes. BUT I did have a beard trimmer, so, yeah. I shaved as I thought about what to do.

Now fully trimmed, I attempted to break into my house. This failed (FORTRESS), but made me feel less likely to get robbed. It also freaked out an old lady who lives nearby. I now faced two choices: smash the glass in the door to reach in and unlock from the inside, or go to the police station out the front, and ask for assistance. I chose the latter.

Immediately after entering the police station, I regretted not just smashing the glass. I had thought I could simply pretend my undies were some cool new white person micro short, and acted as if I wasn’t basically naked. This charade did not take, and I was immediately laughed at by 6 police officers (who immediately called every available other police officer in the French Concession).

After some hilarious miming, I got my message across: locked out, need locksmith. Being China, one arrived 5 minutes later; but not before about a dozen other cops came to laugh at me. It cost RMB100, and took the dude about 1 second (NOT FORTRESS). But at least it was a laugh.