‚ÄčAn Australian Creative Director and Strategist fumbles through life in America. Live from New York.

An Australian Creative Director and Strategist fumbles through life New York City.

The most ridiculous meal ever.

To celebrate my birthday and farewell Tom and Steph from the Middle Kingdom, we decided to shell out the big bucks and hit up an iconic Beijing occasion - the alcohol fueled Sunday brunch. Now we’re not talking some shitty Eggs Benedict with a limp coffee brunch, Sydney style: when China says brunch, you strap on your eatin’ pants and prepare to eat FUCKING EVERYTHING, EVER.

Arriving at the Westin Hotel, Chaoyang, we immediately began drinking free flow Moet. The scale of the brunch was actually overwhelming: imagine the biggest resort/hotel breakfast you’ve ever seen. NOW PUNCH YOUR MEMORY IN THE FACE, BECAUSE IT DOES NOT COMPARE.

There was an entire room filled with cakes, strudels, chocolate fountains and cupcakes. There was acres of fresh seafood: lobster, crab, prawns, oysters, salmon: smoked fish, dried fish, sushimi, and tanks of fish and crustaceans ready for you to devour in any way you could think of. An oyster crammed into a crab, jammed in a lobster and deep fried? Of course, sir. THIS WAS MADNESS.

We sat and stared in wonder for a while, too confused to know where to start. Then we discovered more: an enormous shot bar, filled with Bloody Mary oyster shots and Tequila Sunrise Salmon shots. A full cocktail bar, serving up anything you could think of. Egg bars, steak bars, breakfast foods, curries and rice, pasta, fresh pizza: literally every food type and stuff was covered.

Finally, we summed up the courage and dove in: and then we went TO TOWN. Occasionally, we paused and sipped Champagne, laughing at the sheer scale of gluttony available. And now, 6 hours later, I am still stuffed. Bravo China.

And then, just when we thought it was over, they brought me an enormous birthday cupcake. I may never need to eat again.