Some Magic from Magary.
This tickled my funny bone: from Drew Magary's Funbag, over on Deadspin.
Say you work in an office building, seventh story or higher, and your company takes up a whole floor. Let's say it is a standard accounting or advertising company with a standard amount of employees for that much office space. One day, the elevator opens and out comes a full-sized grizzly bear. A voice gets on your company's phone system and tells you that your floor is sealed off and only one species, bear or man, is leaving.
It's gonna be the bear, right?
NOT IF I CAN HELP IT.
/locks self in bathroom
/fashions crude bear trap out of a toilet seat and boxer elastic
/tears lead pipe out of the wall to use as a blunt weapon
/listens to Songs For The Deaf to get self psyched up for bear war
/gets eaten immediately